Managing Difficult Conversations
By Sally Roach
Regardless of the amount of experience a manager has, certain conversations can feel uncomfortable. Discussing things like performance issues, lack of engagement, or personal hygiene may prevent managers from addressing the issue, but avoidance only creates more problems. Avoiding difficult conversations can affect your reputation as a leader, erodes relationships and affects morale .
Approaching difficult conversations should be done carefully. Some common mistakes to stay aware of include:
Being unprepared: Jumping in to discuss problems without preparation can result in emotional outbursts, and a lack of clarity can lead to misunderstandings and confusion. The last thing you want to do is inadvertently blame, shame, or accuse an employee. This reduces any opportunity for reconciliation or resolution, so prepare yourself by planning your talking points.
Approaching the conversation with a negative mindset: Remember that you may not know everything about the situation. Keep an open mind and approach from a learning perspective. Otherwise, the other person may read your negativity and mirror it back.
Waiting too long to have the conversation: Hoping the problem will just “go away” will not fix it. Details may become fuzzy over time, and the discussion may become emotionally charged. Also, the longer you wait, the more awkward the conversation will become, and the problem may reoccur. Withholding feedback, even if negative, is not just unfair to the employee; it is irresponsible as a manager.
Wrong time, wrong place: Make sure to have a comfortable environment that is private. Do not attempt to have a conversation in a hallway or where others can hear. Do not rush a conversation when you only have a few moments to invest. Allow the person time to understand and respond.
Avoiding face-to-face conversation: Having a difficult conversation via email may worsen the situation, cause further misunderstandings, and delay resolution. A face-to-face conversation allows for an exchange of ideas where each person can properly gauge the other’s reactions. Respect the importance of the conversation and meet with the person.
Overtalking: Do not try to fill in awkward silences. Allow the person to process the information, take a breath, and let them respond.
Here are some ways to prepare for the conversation:
Reframe the conversation: Consider why you feel that the conversation is difficult and reframe it as an opportunity by considering the positive outcomes that will result, such as changed behavior.
Check to see that you have all the facts going into the conversation: If you don’t, prepare ahead by having a list of questions or topics that need to be covered. Keeping an open mind is essential, as information or evidence may be brought to light during the discussion. You do not want to ignore and dismiss a crucial detail just because you have a strong opinion on the matter. Hear what the other person has to say. Try not to dwell on the past; seek the other person’s opinion on possible resolutions.
Check your emotions: If you are feeling frustrated and angry, use a trusted friend or colleague as a sounding board or do something physical like going for a brisk walk to release your frustrations. If you try to suppress your emotions, you will inevitably explode. If you are nervous or questioning your ability to handle the conversation, then do your best to prepare for it. Envision all the ways that person may respond and how you would deal with it. Consider possible options for resolution ahead of time.
Prepare to listen actively: Clarify the facts and your desired outcome; using a point of reference such as a policy or procedure may assist you with this. Do not interrupt; hear the other person’s perspective. Be open-minded and intentional with your words; do not be reactive. Ask questions for understanding. Summarize what you have heard and ask them if it is correct. Set your expectations and discuss options for resolution. Wrap up the conversation by reviewing the steps toward resolution, gain agreement, and commitment from the other person to reach those goals.
Have a notepad ready: Have your talking points and questions written down to keep you on task. You can then use your notes to document the conversation afterward.
Over time, you will become more comfortable with having these conversations. In turn, this will lead to better communication, strengthening relationships with your team, as well as potentially revealing other issues or blind spots in the workplace. Remember, the more you have these conversations, the less you will have to do in the long run.
Sally is an HR professional having a diverse background in policy review and development, recruitment, performance management, employee relations, and application of employment legislation and HR best practices. Sally brings forward experience in HR consulting services where she has become effective and knowledgeable in developing client-focused HR solutions.
